The Existence of God Confirmed! by Ryan Winegardner

“The Existence of God Confirmed!”

Once, I saw
the star freshman wide receiver
at the dining hall.
I held the door open
just as I would for anyone. I don’t
care that much for football,
but I like to be polite.
As he passed, he said to his friend:
“You know, if you feed ‘em
gunpowder
they become real killers.
You can make a lot of money
off pitbulls.”

In the year of 2003 AD
my aunt – with four houses
and yearly trips abroad –
got me a fifty buck patriot bond
which she spent maybe
a jackson on.
It will reach its maximum value
of fifty american dollars
in 2033 AD, when
I will be too old
to be sure about my age.
But who knows?
Maybe I’ll be glad
at the age
of one-hundred-something-years-old
for fifty bucks
that took thirty years to accumulate.

At work, on Christmas Eve,
the store was packed
in the middle of a pandemic.
It was like a warzone in there,
the trenches of World War I, the Somme.
An older man, frail and mildewy,
ordered a pourover. I told him
it would be a while. Pourovers are
hard when bullets whiz overhead
and artillery thunders.
The old man didn’t care.
He wanted his pourover.
and when I handed it out
maybe ten minutes later,
and told him to have a good day.
he scoffed
and told me to fuck off.
Apparently it took too long.

I love when these things happen –
when old men, on Christmas Eve,
tell a kid to fuck off
because of coffee;
when my rich aunt
barely coughs up fifty bucks
for her nephew;
when the star football player
is into dogfighting.
It affirms that the universe
has inherent balance
and that the sun also rises
and the sun also sets
and that all rivers run into the sea
and return to where they came.

It’s like waking up
well-rested
one clear, crisp, bright
saturday morning,
making coffee
that really refreshes you,
eating a breakfast
that’s actually healthy,
taking your dog on a walk
that you both enjoy,
sitting down on the couch
and the news says:
“The Existence of God Confirmed!”